Need a Break

Posted: 6 April 2005 in queerlife, therapy
Tags: ,

I realize that marrying D. didn’t change how much I want to impress her. Funny, somehow I thought that putting a ring on her finger would make us both secure in ourselves and each other, happy, content, peaceful. Not complacent, no, we’d still try to be beautiful and alluring, of course. But, the work would be over. Right? Nope.

I still want to be the most amazing, gorgeous, clever person she’s ever met. Realistically, I know that no one is all that to anyone. Everyone has different people who are the smartest, most fun, sexiest. I think we pick the person who has the most -ist qualities for us and we do anything we can to be with them forever. In fact, D makes me laugh more often than anyone else. She turns me on more. I want to be with her more than I want to be with anyone else. I assume she still wants to be the best she can for me, too.

But there are times when this leaks into insecurity. For instance, I know that her ex is very bright. She’s going to school right now to earn her Bachelors. I know that is partly why I want to go back. I don’t want her to be smarter than me. No…don’t bother, I know how lame that sounded. My worst fear? That she will publish something and I never will. Not that this means D will leave me for the author, but that would leave me not the best for her anymore. It extends to other things as well. The other day, in a crisis over my physical appearance, she assured me that a friend of ours had once weighed 190 pounds, well over her current weight. Instead of feeling comforted, I wondered why I couldn’t suddenly be tiny and beautiful, like D sees our friend. No…I know I need therapy.

I know this is plain old insecurity. Unattractive insecurity at that. I’m not looking for her to constantly compliment and coddle me. No doubt I’m hormonally imbalanced. You’d think us lesbians would be free from this angst. You’d think we’d get a break somewhere.

  1. Darren says:

    I would just like to say that i find your blog extremely enjoyable to read.

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