Posted: 3 August 2005 in observations, other folks, work
Tags: , ,

I’ve put off this post for awhile because I couldn’t think of a suitable pseudonym for its subject. You see, her name is so perfect and so fits her personality, I hardly feel I can preserve the humor by making something up. Alas, you’d need both her first and last names and that leads to unfortunate googling experiences. Lord knows I don’t want to google my name and find someone has posted a picture like this about me:

I know that I had no qualms in using Angry Bob’s name, but as Bob is already at maximum angry and, as I didn’t use his last name, I felt like the damage would be less awful if he came traipsing across this site. After all, Angry Bob is relatively proud of his anger. The woman I’m about to acquaint you with, JoyEverlasting, is much more likely to do something nasty, like staplegun me to the cubicle wall. The thing is, I don’t have much to say about JoyEverlasting, I just wanted to show you this picture. It’s an accurate (well, as much as it can be with a normal level of OCD) representation of what JoyEverlasting did to her food the other day.

Normally, I wouldn’t stoop so low as to snark someone’s eating habits (well, I might) but this rice extravaganza was the final straw in a long day of on-the-job training that involved me, your heroine, tugging and yanking, coaxing and pleading, whipping and demanding that JoyEverlasting do her work instead of a) cleaning the desk; b) labeling the drawers with little taped on sticky notes reading “pencils”; or, c) continually correcting the spacing in justified text. [Note: if you aren’t a big user of justified text, just know that in order to make the text into a neat block, it uses non-standard spacing between words so that the ends of each line of text line up, just like this paragraph. Manually correcting the spacing is futile.]

In the midst of my frustration, I sent her off to get her lunch, hoping I could find and learn some new teaching method in the time she was gone. Rather than keep you in suspense, I’ll say that the rest of the day was a disaster, JoyEverlasting learned nothing and I only kept hold of my patience by a thread. As I watched her eat her lunch though, it became clear why she couldn’t concentrate on any of the details of what she was learning. She’s got serious issues with rice.Before tackling her rice, she smoothed it neatly to one side of her plate. See picture. After each bite, she smoothed the semi-circle back into perfection and carefully lined her knife and fork up, parallel to the rice half. She did this over and over, keeping the shrinking semi-circle of rice constant, never letting a single grain escape. When she came to the last bite, she focused on picking up every bit with her plastic fork (no mean feat) and then returned her utensils to the same spot, still absolutely aligned with the invisible edge of the now-eaten rice.

Dear reader, if you eat your rice like this, I would like an explanation. I would like to know if there are benefits to severely regimented rice consumption. I suspect though, that none of you are as…careful…as JoyEverlasting. I’ll bet watching me eat my salad gave her fits. As I said before, I am only sharing this with you because I am coping with my own amazement (and because Angry Bob is no longer around to entertain me). And as I like to do when I’m showering you with useless prose, I share my favorite folk remedy with you:

To cure hiccups: Take nine consecutive sips (and swallows) of any liquid. It works, I tell you.


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