Posted: 30 January 2008 in observations

In my amazing list of superpowers we can now add zapping the brand new telephone into darkness.  It’s sad too, especially since we’ve been months without a phone that rang.  We had a phone, yes, but it didn’t actually ring, leaving us to psychically intuit when someone might be calling.  We hoped it might someday start ringing, but it didn’t, so we looked for a replacement.  It’s sad, because this phone played the James Bond theme each time someone we didn’t know called.

So after months, no, seriously, months, of deliberation, we decided to get a phone only to find that our idea of how much phones should cost (around $5.00) was not what phones actually cost.  So we waited even longer.  When we eventually caved, it was to get a pretty silvery phone that came with a mate and had “VIP melodies” one of which we hoped (me, not so secretly) would have a James Bond lilt.  We plugged them in and let them charge for the requisite 16 (!) hours.  And then we got to name them.  You might think that’s the best part and you wouldn’t be wrong.  We named one Cagney and put her downstairs and put Lacey upstairs.  Despite having never seen the television show, I’m certain those are excellent lesbian telephone handset names.  I mean, if you’re going to name them.  It gives you the option.  I didn’t make that up you guys.  There’s an actual place for “name handset” okay?  Stop looking at me like that.

The biggest drawback I can see is that you can’t actually program numbers into the memory until the number calls you.  Or maybe I got bored reading the instructions.  But I haven’t been able to program or even listen to a single VIP melody.  James Bond could be locked inside and I’d never know!  So I’ve been waiting.  Inspiration will come.  At least, I was waiting until D. called me and I reached for Cagney and *ZAP* I killed it.  The screen went all black.  Cagney still rings, but the caller ID, the most important part as far as I’m concerned and, critically, the programming function for the VIP melody, is now obscured.  It’s a sad, sad day.

Watch out.  I may fire a super spark at you.

  1. bipolarlawyercook says:

    I can’t help with the sparking thing, but I can, at least, affirm that Cagney & Lacey are AWESOME names for your phones. I am now going to have to run out to buy headsets so I can name them Scarecrow & Mrs. King.

  2. Will says:

    Coincidentally, or perhaps not so much, Cagney and Lacey seem to be excellent secret agent names as well.

    I’m perpetually plagued by static in the winter. Grounding myself through a key each time I remove my coat has become a reflex. I once zapped my iPod into a coma, though I was later able to revive it.

    Maybe when the robots take over you can be there on the front lines, delivering electric doom with a mere touch…human civilization would be forever indebted to you.

  3. linaria says:

    I once lived with a microwave that had an entire book of recipes in it. Complete with little digital illustrations of the “dishes” you could make. There was one that I particularly liked that was entitled “Blue Jigglies,” involving blue Jell-O and some other stuff…..ewww.

    We also have a copier at work that, when you give it something to copy, it displays “Job accepted.” I don’t remember asking it whether it would like to accept the job or not, but there you have it. Job accepted.

  4. backlist says:

    what if it doesn’t accept it? what then? I’ll zap it. that’s what.

  5. jigsawanalogy says:

    i think my blog reader is going through posts backwards, so i’m commenting on this really late. anyhow, wanted to say that my partner has the exact same problem with zapping things. and she has this unfortunate love of high-technology objects (can you say “$90 bluetooth headset that doesn’t work when she touches it” or “$200 camera that wouldn’t work if she had touched it recently”?)

    but maybe i’ll suggest trying grounding herself on a key before touching things. it might work.

    (did the phone situation ever resolve, by the way, given that it’s nearly 2 months later….)

  6. backlist says:

    no 😦 it’s still all black. I’m just happy the shocking season is almost over. now I can go back to having average superpowers.

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