Last Call for Quiet

Posted: 8 June 2008 in therapy

Restless.  It’s code for crazy in our house.  And I am.  Restless, that is.  I am sitting calmly, but my mind is broiling, wondering what I could be doing, what I want to be doing, what I should have been doing, what there is no time to do.  I suppose it isn’t important to you how I lie in bed at night, toes twitching, wondering if I can get up quietly enough to go into the other room and clean, write, work-out, lose my mind.  Rather, I’m sure you want to know that I stay in bed next to D., trying not to tap her, pester her, thrum my fingers along her spine, and pay the price for sleep.

This isn’t every day.  But it’s some days, importantly, these days, and sometimes I wonder how I’ll make it through acting just like you.  I can use up my energy trying not to talk too fast, walk more slowly, hold a conversation at most people’s speed, limit the lunacy to a manageable amount, but it doesn’t change the restlessness.  I’m always a little surprised at how still I’m sitting.  How quiet I must look from the outside.  But, I’ve had one thousand thoughts in the last half second and I can’t slow down enough to keep track of them.  Inside, I’m a whirling dervish.  I’m not sitting still.

In this house, we hope the restless goes away before it wears out its welcome.  Too much spinning makes me short-tempered, frustrated, high-pitched, impatient.  Since these are my worst qualities altogether, I strive to keep them seperate, make them rare, watch them and guard them.  I’m not always successful.  It’s much harder when I’m thinking too fast to catch them sneaking forward, slipping into sentences and snapping at your heels.  I’m best at work; when there is so much to do, I’m a fevered pitch of productivity.  It’s only at home, at night, on the weekends, that the restlessness stews and simmers, threatening to bubble up around my eyes and out my fingertips. 

It’s Sunday night, when I can’t keep it in check. 

 

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Comments
  1. rye says:

    I understand the restlessness. I really, really do.

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