Posted: 12 February 2009 in Charlottesville, other folks

I’m not sure why we tell children about the boogeyman.  When I was little I always sprang into bed when the lights went out, certain that one stray toe would set off the resident body snatcher.  Every child knows that sheets are like armor and being fully tucked in the dark was a monster guarantee.  What my mother should have warned me about was home inspectors.

Sinister devils, they parade about in full sunlight, snapping pictures and hmming and haing over ever crack, wire and pipe.  There’s no protective sheet.  The criticism of your potential house is so forceful and unrelenting that it’s worse than a boogeyman.  Home inspectors make boogeymen look like cherubs. 

While I’ve certainly been through more awful things, home inspection is near the top.  Oh I know you’re thinking that I must have had it easy until now.  You, in particular, you’re thinking about my soft, sweet life on layers of downy cushions with nary a pea to disrupt my languid, lioness-like snoozing.  But it’s enough to say that there have been more than enough peas.  In this world, the home inspector is my lentil. 

Sure, his handshake was firm enough and he had a nice name – Bob.  But Bob came bearing what sounded like one bit of bad news after another.  You see here, your retaining walls are bulging just a tad.  And over here, that’s a dripping pipe a’right.  No, no water now, but water is a home’s worst enemy and that water, m’dear, is at your gates.  The exhaust fan in the bathroom doesn’t work?  Tsk. And what’s this here?  Oh well, you might as well replace the whole house in just a few years, y’know they don’t last more’n fifty years.

Oh Bob.  You dream shatterer.  You bringer of bad tidings.  You’re the sword in my stone.  The thorn in my toe.  The pea in my mattress.  But, like the boogeyman, I suspect Bob and his nightmares are fleeting.  After all, there’s always a good dream, right?  That dream is this new house.  It’s comfy.  It doesn’t seem the have ghosts.  It’s warm and welcoming.  And there is not room for Bob.


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