Lucky.

Posted: 21 October 2009 in observations
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The months have been getting away from me.  Spring flew past in a blur of planting a new garden, learning a new neighborhood and owning a new house.  Then the start of the academic year, thousands of colleges kids coming back to a new start, and a change in the work routine brought on by living in a new place.  Slowly, work got busier as the students discovered the library and D and I spent more time focusing on things running smoothly at work, home life somewhat forgotten.  Right now, in some ways, our focus has turned inward and we’ve let everything else fall by the wayside.  It was a luxury to be able to do that.

My parents arrived last week to stay for a couple of weeks.  Refocusing has been more rough than expected.  We’ve been sucked into the whirlwind of having three extra people in the house.  My grandmother is elderly (very) and my parents are in their sixties.  They all arrived coughing and wheezing and have been slow to recover.  Sick or not, I’m reminded that my mother and father love each other very much.  I hoe D and I have that, I thing we do.  And it’s always amazing to see my grandmother again.  Every time I see her, I feel like it might be the last time.

All this introspection has left me sleepless.  What will happen when my parents die?  And worse, since most folks don’t simultaneously pass, what will life be like for my mother alone?  How will my father manage without her?  How will he cope with the grief?  Will she go crazy in that empty, cold house?  Who will chop the wood when he’s gone?  And that, accompanied by the inward focus of recent weeks, leaves me panicking over D and life without her.  It spirals on, of course, and soon I’m thinking about our dog, how wonderful he is and how we’ll get, at best, nine more years with him and then I’m sitting wide-eyed in the basement while D sleeps.

I know there are chemical reasons for this.  I haven’t been working much since my parents have been in town, I’ve been sleeping more and eating differently and my schedule is thrown off.  I know that this alters the way I think and that this panic and anxiety isn’t me.  I’m not a basement sitter, basement dweller, tears dripping from the corners of my eyes when I pretend to sleep.

I’m lucky to be able to afford to be so self-centered.

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