Backwards

Posted: 29 December 2009 in observations
Tags: , ,

Last night I dreamed I was applying to rejoin the Foreign Service.  I took a multiple choice exam and wrote an essay (in longhand, no less) and Dana Carvey graded it on the spot.  He had several comments on my essay, including several word changes.  These are common in the Foreign Service, changing things like glad to happy and back again, sometimes simply to show your mark.  Dana Carvey handed back first my essay (on which I got the ambiguous 4) and I wasn’t sure if I’d passed or not.  Then he handed back the multiple choice test and I passed with flying colors.  In my dream, I was thrilled at the chance to try for the Foreign Service again, and fairly certain I would pass the next phases of interviews.  When I woke up, I was alarmed that I would even think such a thing, asleep or not.

Since I haven’t ever thought about returning, I let my mind run over the scenario in the shower.  There have been changes, perhaps my partner and child wouldn’t be shut out of so many things.  But also, there’s my irrational fear of the language testers.  The mistreatment of officers doing management work.  The overall poor supervisory skills and the age-old customs that make this a continuing problem.  I pictured myself greeting another Head of State and the glamorous bits and pieces of traveling the world, showing my child and wife new and fantastic things, and having a salary that defies logic (for me).  I wondered if the program continued that would let me back in at my former status.  I wondered if I would care if it didn’t.

And then I got soap in my eye.  At least, something made my eyes water.

I’ve made a choice – an excellent one – and I don’t regret it one bit.  But I’d never let my mind wander like that before, to consider the very possible what-ifs.  And as much as I’ll miss the chance to give my family the world, I’m so so happy to be able to give them me.  And they wouldn’t have gotten that otherwise.

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Comments
  1. Isn’t it interesting how we can be so blind-sided by dreams sometimes? I think that’s what makes them so fascinating, and so scary, too. Enjoyed this post very much!

  2. Sarah says:

    You forgot to mention the retributions if you stand up for what you know is right, the backstabbing, oh…yes…I guess you did. It’s hard to know if every decision is right. We’re making it up as we go along, seems to me.

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